I am chock full of cranky this week. I wish it wasn’t so, and I can see the pattern that makes it so, and that just makes me more irritable.
We’re expecting guests, which means that I’ve been busy casting a critical eye around my life and hating everything that doesn’t measure up. The “I am NOT the kind of person who…” script loads into my brain and points out everything about my life that compares unfavorably with my aspirational image of myself. I am not the kind of person who lives in a house that is still only half painted. I am not the kind of person who lets the thistles blossom and take over vast expanses. I am not the kind of person who lives in a house for ten months without cleaning the exterior windows. And yet I am, because clearly I do.
I’m getting better at reconciling my ideas about what I should do with the everyday reality of what I can do, and what I choose to do. I am fully aware that I would really like to do at least twice as much in any given day as I actually can, and I can genuinely call it a good day if I was busy doing things I wanted to do all day regardless of how the final tally compares to any list I started the day with. But I still struggle with the big picture sometimes. It seems like the daily contributions should add up to more than they do.
The trigger for all of this is guests, but I know that it has very little, if anything, to do with how I think my guests will assess or judge our life and everything to do with how I judge myself. This week it’s my in-laws that are coming to stay and we’re very excited to host them. They are probably the most encouraging fans we have of the whole house-building, land-settling, homestead-creating process.
I know that it will be better as soon as they arrive, as soon as any chance to change the state of things is passed. And it will be lovely to have guests, and I’ll go back to appreciating what we have and what we’ve done with it. And my days of crankiness for not measuring up will have accomplished absolutely nothing.
I’d like to hope that maybe next time, I’ll see fewer weeds and more wildflowers…